Under the Surface

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks with Jonathan since returning from 5 days away. At school, daycare and home he’s been bossy and rude and talking back, hitting, yelling, refusing activities at school, has a really low frustration tolerance…and having a really hard time overall.

As of yesterday I think we may have finally reached a turning point. I asked him why he’s been like this and was very direct about my words and asked if he was mad at us for going away, if he was scared we weren’t coming back etc. He said no, but obviously he feels something about it as it’s just too much of a coincidence of timing.

Before bed he asked to look as his photo album, the one we gave to him to help him transition to our home. He asked lots of questions about the pictures and I also told him a bit more about his adoption.

The next morning we had a picnic breakfast in his bedroom and he asked “what do you want to talk about?” I replied I didn’t know and he suggested “me being adopted”

HOLD UP!

He has never brought this up, it’s always us telling him. He has never initiated a conversation about adoption.

I tried not to choke on my cheerios as he asked me questions like “why my first mommy can’t take care of me?” and “what things you do before I adopted?”

Whoa.

I know he wasn’t consciously scared or nervous when he stayed at grandma’s and grandpa’s house (and in fact had a great time with no issues) but deep down in brain trauma land there was something there.

It is such a reminder that no matter how good things get, no matter how amazing his speech is coming and how much he is learning and how much he seemingly calms down and really truly settles in and seems more secure….that trauma is always lurking right under the surface. It’s just waiting for a moment to poke through all the security and safety and scream LOOK AT ME! I’M STILL HERE AND I’M FREAKING CONFUSED AND SCARED AND SAD AND NERVOUS AND I DON’T LIKE THIS!

But on we go, kicking trauma to the curb one day at a time.

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