Sad

Jonathan and I just finished one of our epic struggles. Screaming, scratching, kicking, biting, pinching, hitting, spitting…for about an hour this went on.

All because I told him it was time to clean up his books and get ready for bed.

He had a look of terror in his eyes when I held back his legs or arms from hurting me. I’ve never seen this look before and I don’t know if it’s because his CI’s were off at this point or what was happening in his head.

When it was all done, and books were cleaned up, we sat on his bed and I explained to him why I thought he was so angry. I told him that when he was a baby and a little little boy, the grownups he lived with, until Monique (his last foster mom), didn’t take very good care of him. And he nodded like he knew.

And then I started sobbing.

I am so sad for this little boy who I love so much. He wants to be good, I know he does, but he can’t sometimes because of all the garbage that he had to go through. He is so confused and mixed up about love and safety and being a kid that he doesn’t know which way is up sometimes. And so I cried. And I cried hard, right in front of him. I couldn’t stop myself.

He looked at me kind of funny and asked if I was sad. I told him I was very sad that the grown ups who were suppose to take care of him didn’t,and I was that he was so angry, but I was also so happy that he was my boy.

I gave him some extra hugs and he was so exhausted he was asleep within a couple of minutes.

Man, adoption just really really sucks sometimes.

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8 thoughts on “Sad

  1. Disagree.. Adoption was a great thing for Jonathan!! Gawd he is a lucky kid to have such a wonderful momma and papa. HUGS!

  2. I know what you mean, having had loads of similar episodes with my son. After all, our children wouldn’t need adoptive parents if they hadn’t been through major traumas. Your response to him sounds like it will be incredibly helpful to him, though, in starting to make sense of his history. I take comfort in the thought that the brain is incredibly plastic and whilst we can’t change the past, every day we parent lovingly puts a bit of recovery in place.
    Lots of love.
    Rachel

    • That’s the hope I hold onto Rachel – everyday if I can just connect a couple more links in his cute little head that were missing the day before, then we are on the right path!
      Thanks for commenting and your kinds words:)

  3. Sending you the biggest of hugs, I’m close to tears for you. I have been in exactly the same place. Trying to protect, keep safe yourself and him, whilst wondering why this is all happening. The emotions that these episodes provoke in all of you are enormous. I think it’s good that our children see how upset the situation is for all of you, it’s the reality. Only last night I managed to avoid what I thought could be a major fall out with Stig. I think as they get older and mature they can start to process a little more a you can help work them down from the tantrum. Humour often works here. I really feel for you and Jonathon together. Big love. xxx

    Thanks for linking to #WASO

    • It’s so nice to know that other have been here too:)

      Didn’t you feel like parent of the year avoiding a fall out?!
      That’s great news on progress with Stig:)

      Thanks for always saying the right things after a tough go.

  4. Oh my dear friend I see why you need a BIGGGGGGG pot of tea!! We need to connect more often, I feel I’m missing out on times when you need my help. And any distraction from my own stuff is welcomed distraction. Hugs my friend and see you on Sunday!

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