Jonathan and I just finished one of our epic struggles. Screaming, scratching, kicking, biting, pinching, hitting, spitting…for about an hour this went on.
All because I told him it was time to clean up his books and get ready for bed.
He had a look of terror in his eyes when I held back his legs or arms from hurting me. I’ve never seen this look before and I don’t know if it’s because his CI’s were off at this point or what was happening in his head.
When it was all done, and books were cleaned up, we sat on his bed and I explained to him why I thought he was so angry. I told him that when he was a baby and a little little boy, the grownups he lived with, until Monique (his last foster mom), didn’t take very good care of him. And he nodded like he knew.
And then I started sobbing.
I am so sad for this little boy who I love so much. He wants to be good, I know he does, but he can’t sometimes because of all the garbage that he had to go through. He is so confused and mixed up about love and safety and being a kid that he doesn’t know which way is up sometimes. And so I cried. And I cried hard, right in front of him. I couldn’t stop myself.
He looked at me kind of funny and asked if I was sad. I told him I was very sad that the grown ups who were suppose to take care of him didn’t,and I was that he was so angry, but I was also so happy that he was my boy.
I gave him some extra hugs and he was so exhausted he was asleep within a couple of minutes.
Man, adoption just really really sucks sometimes.