I’m sitting in the sun room listening to the rain and sipping my tea. The day has been relaxed and easy and I’ve even had the patients to laugh and be silly and have a spontaneous dance party when we should have been getting ready for bed.
I’m on vacation. And I wish I could feel like this all the time.
I wish I could always move at a regular pace instead of always feeling like I need to be in fast mode. I wish I could be relaxed enough to think clearly about behaviours with Jonathan so that I can more often choose the better way to respond. I wish I could always be in casual mode so that scrubbing off the dusty grease from the oven hood wouldn’t be a job that sends me off the roof but instead gets a shoulder shrug and a meh. I wish I could have more fun and enjoy the everyday things instead of seeing them as work and one more thing to check off my list.
The only difference between today (and other times I’ve felt like this) is that it happens on days when I don’t work.
I love my job, I can’t imagine how much more un-relaxed I would feel if I didn’t, but apparently it sucks the fun out of me. At the end of the day I don’t have the energy and time and patience that is required to have fun where it counts the most and with the people who count the most.
Or, at least I think I don’t.
I need a way to find a better balance. I need a way to give less (this is coming out all wrong but my brain is so relaxed I can’t find words) at work and give more at home. To have more dance parties and not want to cry because the frickin’ base boards are disgusting (again) and I can’t handle one more thing on my list.
There is a way to do this, there must be. I just haven’t found it yet.