My 520 Days of Messy Beautiful


520 days ago our lives were turned upside down and sideways.

520 days of anger, resentment, fumbling, and pit of the stomach icky feelings.

520 days of emotions that are far bigger than me.

520 of some of the hardest days I’ve ever had. Days I’ve dug deeper than I thought possible. Days when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, days where I wanted it to all go back to how it was before.

520 days of love bigger than I ever though possible.

520 days ago our son Jonathan moved in.

Jonathan is very, very, messy beautiful.

He has more twinkle in his eye then you’ll see in most 5 year olds. He’s beautiful.

He has so many wires crisscrossed in his little head from neglect and trauma. He’s messy.

520 days ago my messy boy could not say more than a handful of words, couldn’t stand to be touched, would hide when he got hurt and didn’t know a number from a letter.

Today, my beautiful boy has picked up 3 and a half years of language and ASL, he loves having his back rubbed and being tickled, comes to me (most times) for comfort when he’s hurt, he knows his letters and can count to 10.

520 days ago my messy boy could not stand in line, be understood by most, draw a face, didn’t know what a family was and would kick and scratch and bite regularly.

Today my beautiful boy (mostly) stands in (short) lines, is understood by many, can draw a stick man and a slurpee and an electrical socket, and only kicks and scratches and bites once in a while.

How far he’s come, my messy beautiful boy.

We are not nearly where we need to be, or want to be. We have so much further to go.
There are so many wires to uncross and so many more adventures to be had to add to your twinkle.

So much more hard work, for both of us. So many lessons to learn.

But guess what my beautiful messy boy?

Love wins. Love always wins.

This post is part of Momastery’s Mess, Beautiful Warrior Project. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!



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