There, I said it.
It’s been building slowly and surely and now it’s here. Slowly eating away at me and sucking out the person I like to, and try to, be. Stopping me from enjoying the everyday things that usually make me smile and laugh (I’m really a simple gal despite all my ramblings here).
And now that I’ve admitted it, out loud to myself and others, I can start to work at getting out of the overwhelmyness hole. I hope.
It started with going back to work. Yes, I knew it would be a bit of a challenge and a change and we would need some time to adjust. But I don’t think I realized how BIG of a challenge and change it was going to be and how long it was going to take to adjust.
You see, going back to work not only means just being at work. It’s brought all kind of different dynamics into play. It’s effected me and everybody in the house in several different ways – our schedules, our time together, what we eat, how we run errands, how clean our house is and how chores get done…or not done….It’s thrown off the whole rhythm of our days and our weekends and the time and energy I have left at the end of day. Oddly enough Jonathan seems the best adjusted amongst us…perhaps his experience with so much change…?
I get frustrated that I don’t have patience and energy or time to do the things I want and need to do. And tonight it was 8:15 when I finally sat down to write this which is the first time I’ve sat down (for me) since 6:30 this morning and I am feeling guilty for letting Anthony sit on the couch for the last 45 minutes and wiggle and sigh loudly in boredom even though I know boredom is good. But because he’s at home all day by himself this week so I feel guilty but yet have nothing to give. Tank empty. I don’t even really feel like typing this.
And this isn’t about trying to do it all, I know very well that I can’t. Just ask the dryer full of clothes that has been there for 4 days and I just keep ‘fluffing’ them in hopes that one time I’ll actually take them out and fold instead of using it as a second closest. Or take a look at the yard and sun room full of dead and neglected plants and flowers. The house isn’t as clean as I like it to be but I let it go. Errands and all the little things are being dropped and left behind in busydust. And and and and….the list is growing of things I’m letting go. Because I have to. For my own overwhelmed self and for my family’s sanity and well-being.
It feels all too much at the moment. The rushing around, the lack of respite, the being too tired, the guilt, for everything, but mostly for whining and for not doing what I know I should even though I feel I can’t.
Even when I think I’ve gotten a handle on things and I’m going to do things differently and turn this train around and I’m feeling more positive, it only lasts a day or so and I’m right back in pouty poor me land. We do have respite coming but not for another month so I feel guilty about that too – it’s coming and some people don’t even have the possibility of a break so at least I know it’s almost here and I can hang onto that. Overwhelmed.
I’ve been in funks before and I know this too shall pass. It’s just such a terrible way to feel even though I can see all the good and positive things happening and what are to come.