Funk Town

I’m overwhelmed.

There, I said it.

It’s been building slowly and surely and now it’s here. Slowly eating away at me and sucking out the person I like to, and try to, be. Stopping me from enjoying the everyday things that usually make me smile and laugh (I’m really a simple gal despite all my ramblings here).

And now that I’ve admitted it, out loud to myself and others, I can start to work at getting out of the overwhelmyness hole. I hope.

It started with going back to work. Yes, I knew it would be a bit of a challenge and a change and we would need some time to adjust. But I don’t think I realized how BIG of a challenge and change it was going to be and how long it was going to take to adjust.

You see, going back to work not only means just being at work. It’s brought all kind of different dynamics into play. It’s effected me and everybody in the house in several different ways – our schedules, our time together, what we eat, how we run errands, how clean our house is and how chores get done…or not done….It’s thrown off the whole rhythm of our days and our weekends and the time and energy I have left at the end of day. Oddly enough Jonathan seems the best adjusted amongst us…perhaps his experience with so much change…?

I get frustrated that I don’t have patience and energy or time to do the things I want and need to do. And tonight it was 8:15 when I finally sat down to write this which is the first time I’ve sat down (for me) since 6:30 this morning and I am feeling guilty for letting Anthony sit on the couch for the last 45 minutes and wiggle and sigh loudly in boredom even though I know boredom is good. But because he’s at home all day by himself this week so I feel guilty but yet have nothing to give. Tank empty. I don’t even really feel like typing this.

And this isn’t about trying to do it all, I know very well that I can’t. Just ask the dryer full of clothes that has been there for 4 days and I just keep ‘fluffing’ them in hopes that one time I’ll actually take them out and fold instead of using it as a second closest. Or take a look at the yard and sun room full of dead and neglected plants and flowers. The house isn’t as clean as I like it to be but I let it go. Errands and all the little things are being dropped and left behind in busydust. And and and and….the list is growing of things I’m letting go. Because I have to. For my own overwhelmed self and for my family’s sanity and well-being.

It feels all too much at the moment. The rushing around, the lack of respite, the being too tired, the guilt, for everything, but mostly for whining and for not doing what I know I should even though I feel I can’t.

Even when I think I’ve gotten a handle on things and I’m going to do things differently and turn this train around and I’m feeling more positive, it only lasts a day or so and I’m right back in pouty poor me land. We do have respite coming but not for another month so I feel guilty about that too – it’s coming and some people don’t even have the possibility of a break so at least I know it’s almost here and I can hang onto that. Overwhelmed.

I’ve been in funks before and I know this too shall pass. It’s just such a terrible way to feel even though I can see all the good and positive things happening and what are to come.

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10 thoughts on “Funk Town

  1. I have been where you are…and things DO get better. The first thing to do is get rid of your guilt. I know that is easier said than done, but if you want to move on positively, eliminate that from your vocabulary. You have done a wonderful thing…ADOPTION! Give yourself a pat on the back! Don’t worry about those clothes in the dryer. (At least you have them in the dryer, mine are piled on the kitchen table, load after load until they topple over on the floor.) Throw out the dead plants and buy some nice, new, brightly colored artificial plants! Don’t worry if the house isn’t as clean as you would like…you chose to ADOPT, so some things will fall by the wayside but that is natural. In order to care for your child, you first have to care for yourself. Do you want a clean house, folded laundry and live, happy plants? Or do you want a happy YOU! Take some time to enjoy life, and, in turn, life will get better. The house may never again be fully cleaned, the clothes may live in the dryer for a week, the artificial flowers may gather dust, but the most important thing in life is YOUR and YOUR CHILD’s happiness.

  2. Sending you a huge hug.i hear where you’re coming from and I’m not even having to factor work into my day. I am trying to adjust my expectations of myself and how I want to live but it’s stressful living with the mess because the mess infiltrates the mind as well. I hope things start to get better for you soon. Xxx

  3. I am very lucky that I am immune to mess and feel no guilt at all about household things that go undone! When something changes in a previously well-ordered household, it can feel a lot like running into a brick wall – honestly, the feeling will pass. And in the meantime what can you do but throw up your hands and shrug your shoulders (if it’s even possible to do those things at the same time!)? You’re only human, you can only do what you can do, so go easy on yourself (and perhaps encourage your bored 13-year-old to go empty that dryer for you!).

    • Some days/moments I’m able to shrug things off, but not so much these days. Boooo! And Anthony is a great help and I’ve been leaving him a couple of chores to do each day. Thanks for reading:)

  4. I hear ya! But don’t beat yourself up – it will take time, and if it takes a bit longer to get into a different rhythm then so be it. The cleaning can wait. The laundry can wait. You are doing a great job x

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