Trauma Monster

Jonathan is no longer a little stranger.  After 3 and a half months I feel like I know him. Most days.

And as he settles in more and more and we get to know each other better and better, along comes the adoption monster of  trauma push back.

The neglect and hurt, the lack of self-regulating, the anger. The trauma. They are all showing their ugly heads.

He screams. He’s all over the map. He says yes and no in the same sentence. He goes blank and ignores. He hides under blankets to get away from me. He is a control master.

My little boy. So hurt. So confused.

I try to hold him and he doesn’t want it. I try talking…nope. The only thing that (sometimes) resets his irrational, yelling, rude,  monster is a time out. I hate that.

I knew this came with adoption; I knew trauma, along side attachment, was one of the bigger challenges that is simply a part of the adoption package. But knowing it and seeing it unfold are two different things.

I’m sad for him. For all the others too who have this ugly monster lurking around. I’m sad because I can’t do anything to make it all go away right now. I’m sad because he is a sweet and kind and smart and funny little boy, but sometimes just can’t show it.

I’m afraid of him missing out on opportunities and relationships if he can’t show just what an amazing kid he really is under that ugly trauma monster. Sigh.

I wish we could do more. I wish we could do more faster. But all that we can do is try to fill in those little gaps in his little brain. Slowly.

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13 thoughts on “Trauma Monster

  1. I think as long as you understand what the cause is (and try to keep it in the front of your mind), you will find a way through. It won’t be easy, but I’m sure (or at least hope) that it will happen.

  2. It is so hard and relentless. Just when you think you’ve made progress you regress. I think you learn to cherish the little moments where complicated slips away and is unmasked for a moment and you get a glimpse of what might be. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re doing a fab job.

    • It IS like that! The good news is that his attachment is getting stronger, we can see it and feel it and we do have those moments when it’s oh so good. Hanging on to the positive things that are happening definitely helps with those dark, sad times:) Thanks for the kind words and encouragement!

  3. I think your comment “knowing it & seeing it unfold are two different things” sums it up well. Over time, I’ve consoled myself with the steps back by seeing them as a sign of progress 😉 x

    • Thanks Fiona, I think you’re right; he’s pushing back because he’s just finding his place and sorting through it all which in the end is progress. Thanks for stopping by:)

  4. I see the regressions and steps ‘back’ as steps forward; i swear the unravelling part is the process of change in action.
    When CHT ‘doesn’t want me’ i try and leave her without any shadow of a doubt that her choice is ok, and that i am ready for her when she does. However much i may feel messed about by this ‘picked up/put down’ process (because it can often be misinterpreted as manipulation – especially after years and years of it) I try and always do this: reward the trust and the reaching out every time by reciprocation and recognition. When i look back I wish i had got this part more consistently right from the very start.
    Great blog pot – this is so important to share Lindsay! Mx

    • I have been thinking of this unraveling being a part of his brain changing a lot this week, and as Fiona wrote too the steps back being a sign as a step forward, and I kinda had this ‘ah-ha’ moment. Thank you so much for your support and words of wisdom, it’s really helping!!!

  5. Seeing the child you love manipulated by the trauma within is so hard. You seem to be so aware already of the things you can do to help. I like Mumdrah allow the time out but stay close letting my son know I’m there when he’s needs me. To have your level of awareness in these early days is so good for Jonathon, you are doing your bit you will need to let him be ready for the rest.
    Thanks for sharing on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.

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