Jonathan is no longer a little stranger. After 3 and a half months I feel like I know him. Most days.
And as he settles in more and more and we get to know each other better and better, along comes the adoption monster of trauma push back.
The neglect and hurt, the lack of self-regulating, the anger. The trauma. They are all showing their ugly heads.
He screams. He’s all over the map. He says yes and no in the same sentence. He goes blank and ignores. He hides under blankets to get away from me. He is a control master.
My little boy. So hurt. So confused.
I try to hold him and he doesn’t want it. I try talking…nope. The only thing that (sometimes) resets his irrational, yelling, rude, monster is a time out. I hate that.
I knew this came with adoption; I knew trauma, along side attachment, was one of the bigger challenges that is simply a part of the adoption package. But knowing it and seeing it unfold are two different things.
I’m sad for him. For all the others too who have this ugly monster lurking around. I’m sad because I can’t do anything to make it all go away right now. I’m sad because he is a sweet and kind and smart and funny little boy, but sometimes just can’t show it.
I’m afraid of him missing out on opportunities and relationships if he can’t show just what an amazing kid he really is under that ugly trauma monster. Sigh.
I wish we could do more. I wish we could do more faster. But all that we can do is try to fill in those little gaps in his little brain. Slowly.